- Macadam - 1
- The first ever Scotsman
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- Macadam - 2
- A Scottish brothel keeper
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- Macarena
- A Scottish stadium
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- Macaroni
- Inventor of the pasta wireless
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- Macaroon
- To leave a Scotsman on a desert island
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- Mace
- What the Queen puts traps down for
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- Magenta
- Come in, Madonna
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- Magistrate
- Statement from the Palace assuring the press that the Queen is not gay
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- Maida Vale
- Nigel Farage's liver
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- Maintain
- A posh hill
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- Maisonette - 1
- Tiny Freemason
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- Maisonette - 2
- Very small Chief Constable
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- Malady
- A bit like a duck
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s50e04
- Manchester
- A specialist in cosmetic surgery for lady boys
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- Manoeuvre
- A vacuum cleaner even men can work
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s57e06
- Manoeuvring
- What my wife would like to see around the house once in a while
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- Margate - 1
- Scandal involving Andrew Marr
s55e02
s68e04
- Margate - 2
- The mother of all scandals
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- Mariachi
- What you do when you've been engaged to Archie
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- Marionette
- What you do when you've been engaged to Anette
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- Maritime
- "You're pregnant"
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- Marmalade
- The cry of a new born chick
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- Marmite
- Mum's possibly up for it, especially if Dad isn't past it
s38esp3
- Mars bar
- Your mum's sheep impression
s68e06
- Massachusetts
- A large collection of dentures
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- Masticate
- To enjoy yourself with a set of dentures
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- Mastiff - 1
- A row during a church service
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- Mastiff - 2
- Boys at a Britney Spears concert
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- Mayfly
- A Virgin plane
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- Mazel Tov
- A good thing to do with the Countryside Alliance
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- Meander
- She and I
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- Measles
- What artists use for self portraits
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- Megahertz
- Extremely painful
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- Megawatt
- "PARDON?"
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- Melancholy - 1
- Funny shaped dog
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- Melancholy - 2
- Fruit and veg
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- Melancholy - 3
- The two new co-hosts of 'One Man and his Dog'
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- Mem Sahib
- The same Swedish car
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- Membership
- Amusingly shaped boat
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- Menacing
- A male voice choir
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- Mendacity
- Urban renewal programme
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- Mendicant
- A Govan repair man
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- Mendips
- Cannibal buffet
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- Merciful
- "Liverpool's flooded"
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- Meretricious
- What Santa says after he's had a few
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- Merseyside
- Killing of Scousers
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- Metabolics
- Unimpressed with Metaphysics
s66e02
- Metatarsals
- Got together at Jeffrey Archer's
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- Methane
- How Macbeth introduces himself
s61e06
- Miasma
- The reason I need an inhaler
s37e05
s61e02
- Mice
- Plural of mouse, unless said by the Queen, in which case it is the singular
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- Microbe
- A tiny little dressing gown
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- Midwifery
- Half way through breaking wind
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- Migraine
- What a farmer calls his crop
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- Mineshaft
- Hitler's more salacious autobiography
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- Mingling
- A junior minger
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- Minion
- A tiny shallot
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- Miniscule
- A toddler's playgroup in Liverpool
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- Minsk
- Camp Russian walk
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- Minstrel
- Mediaeval musician who performs monthly
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- Mirth
- A French moth
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- Misfit
- A great looking teacher
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- Mish-mash
- Sean Connery late for church
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s48e06
s54e06
- Misinformation
- A female member of the Red Arrows
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- Missile
- Where they keep the feminine products in a supermarket
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- Missive
- South African for "Very big"
s45esp1
- Mistake - 1
- Winner of a butcher's beauty contest
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- Mistake - 2
- Regret becoming a vegetarian
s66e06
- Mitosis
- What's on the ends of my feetses
s48e06
- Module
- Christmas with The Who
s56e02
s70e04
- Mogadon
- "My cat's a professor"
s43e02
- Moisturiser
- How Yoda asks if you've been crying
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s67e04
- Monkey
- A bit like a monk
s53e04
- Monogamy
- Celebrating New Year in Scotland by yourself
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- Morass - 1
- Putting on weight
s46e05
- Morass - 2
- Request from the director of a strip show
s38e04
- Morrissey
- A bit like a Morris dancer
s71e06
- Mosquito
- A tiny place of Muslim worship
s41e05
- Motorway
- Britain's leading mote removal company
s66e04
- Mucus
- A swear word used by cats
s40e06
- Mumble
- Mother you want to take to a second hand shop
s58e02
- Mumps
- Heaps of unwanted mothers
s46e04
- Mushrooms
- What Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen does
s44e02
- Musketeer
- A form of industrial deafness common among historical reanacters
s67e02
- Mutant
- An ant who has lost his voice
s60e06
- Mutate
- An art gallery for cats
s41e04
- Myspace
- Speed a mouse goes at
s57e04
- Mystery
- A bit like a man
s50e04
- Mystical
- The daughter of Mr Tickle (unfortunately he named her Tess)
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